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How to create a connection with anyone by first choosing how you want to feel
“Serenity now!” George’s father, Frank Constanza, shouts in the back of the car while throwing his hands in the air, getting angrier and angrier with his wife Estelle for taking up so much legroom in the car.
”I have to sit here like an animal! Serenity now!”
Clearly annoyed, George, who’s driving, asks Frank what he’s shouting to which Frank replies that it’s a technique from a relaxation tape his doctor gave for his high blood pressure.
“Are you supposed to yell it?” George asks while rolling his eyes.
“The tape wasn’t specific!”
I watched this episode of Seinfeld the other night as this classic show has become my go-to after-work wind-down activity. This scene in the car reminded me of how I, like Frank, also have my own technique for calming down and becoming more serene. Fortunately for my friends and family, mine doesn’t involve shouting prescribed phrases.
A big reason for learning to regulate our emotions when we meet other people is that they’re affected by our emotions too. If we feel angry, nervous, judgemental, or edgy, the person we’re talking to also feels it, even on the phone or a video call. So if we’ve calmed ourselves down before a conversation, the people we’ll be meeting can feel calmer too.
If you’re anything like me, you meet or talk to people most days (thankfully). And even though you’re a sociable person, you can get nervous or feel stress, anxiety, and irritation ahead of, or during the conversation. Unless we’re able to quickly shift our emotions here, we risk leaving people with the same emotions we’re feeling. Or maybe even worse, with a sense that something wasn’t quite right. And that’s not what you want if you have an important call with a new client or prospect, a job interview, a presentation, or even a conversation with a family member, friend, or child.
As someone who often gets nervous, unfocused, or stressed ahead of conversations, I was relieved to find Dr. Marcia Reynolds’s suggestions on how to counter that habit. So I started doing a step-by-step process from her book a while back when I felt really nervous before a call. Today it’s changed how I prepare before every conversation. It’s become a ritual I look forward to even when I’m nervous about the call itself.
In short, it’s become my “Serenity Now!” technique.
“The emotions you choose to feel before and during the (coaching) conversation have more impact on the outcome than your words.” — Marcia Reynolds
Although Reynolds’s advice is for coaches whose job is to create a safe and supportive space, we can all use these steps before talking to people in our lives. Because, as she writes, “We all seek the safety to be who we are in the company of others.” That safety is lost if the other person picks up any sense that you’re not listening, trying to fix a problem, are impatient or uninterested. In the end, the connection is lost.
And if there is anything we need these days, it’s a sense of connection.
1. Relax your body
You can’t just say (or shout) “Serenity now!” unless you’ve first relaxed your body. The reason is, as Reynolds writes: “Telling yourself to calm down only helps for a few seconds. You must actively shift your biological state before you can control what is going on in your brain.” That’s the step Frank missed.
If you’re like me, you don’t even notice how stress and nervousness affect your body — how you’ve almost stopped breathing, clenched your jaws, sit still and stiff as if you’re a statue, or have your shoulders up to your ears. So first we need to release all that stress so that our bodies can help us prepare for our conversation.
Start with your breath and breathe in and out with deep breaths for at least 10 seconds, or as long as you need to. Sometimes I need a couple of minutes of this. The next step is to relax the rest of your body. If you’ve meditated, you’ll be familiar with this way of scanning your body to notice how it feels. Here, just feel through your body and breathe into the places that feel tense — moving down from your head, eyes, jaws, throat, chest, and so on. Don’t worry or judge yourself if this is hard or you think you’re not doing it right. Just focus on trying to relax your body by breathing and putting your thoughts on the parts of your body that are tense.
Be gentle.
Your body needs it for this step.
2. Detach from the thoughts in your head
Here you can use your favorite techniques for getting out of your head and back to your physical senses. This could be anything from dancing around the room, a couple of push-ups, counting something you see, or listening intently to something. The point is to use your senses to intercept your thoughts and get to a more neutral place emotionally.
My favorite techniques come from Positive Intelligence and include wrapping two fingers together with such tension that I feel the ridges on them and then gliding the fingers of one hand down the other. I also love using my sense of hearing, first listening for the sound furthest away, and then the closest one. When I’m walking, focusing on the feel of my feet on the ground is great, and when I’m sitting, I like feeling my straight spine against the chair and feet grounded on the floor.
Do this for at least 10 seconds, but aim for longer. When your thoughts come back, just refocus on the physical sensation.
3. Center your awareness
Centering is a common practice in meditation and one that I’ve only been guided to do by others, but not had a routine for myself. The idea is to move your awareness from your head and into your core, the center of your body, known as the true center of the mind in many Eastern philosophies. It’s such a simple habit we can do any time on our own — there’s no need to have anyone else guide us for it to have an effect.
You can center yourself by moving your attention to a spot just below your navel, even placing a hand there. Also, use your breath to notice how it feels in the bottom of your belly when you fill it with air. Marcia also mentions another way to open up your center: Thinking about a time in your life when you stood up for something and were brave and then notice the strength coming from the center of the body.
So, before a conversation and after doing step 1 and 2, close your eyes, breathe deeply, find the center in your body, and hold your awareness there as long as you have time to.
4. Focus on the emotion you want to feel
This is my favorite step. Now you’re ready to choose one or two emotions you want to feel while in the interaction you’re preparing for.
To start, think about how you want the other person to feel during and after too. You might choose to want to feel the same. Or just choose how you want to feel.
Do you want yourself or them to feel proud, curious, inspired, or calm? Breathe in those one or two emotions and write them down on a piece of paper that you can see to serve as a reminder. I love having the note on the table and looking at it during a call or a meeting. Having these anchor words written down as a visual reminder is so useful, and since you’ve done the “bodywork” earlier, it’s not like just shouting Serenity now. It actually works.
Look at it before and during the interaction if you can, and especially as soon as you feel nervous, stressed, irritated, or triggered. Try to come back to those feelings. If you’ve chosen “curious” and “hopeful,” trust that when you breathe in and feel curious and hopeful for the person you’re talking or writing to, the right words will always show up.
You could even try writing “Serenity now!” just to see how that goes. Just do the other 3 steps first!
In my calendar, I have all the calls, interviews, and groups I lead, and before them, I’ve added a time — a slot of 10–20 minutes where it says “Align my brain to be present.” If you only have 2 minutes in between meetings, use them well and keep remembering your intention by looking at your piece of paper, breathing, and relaxing your body throughout.
You can do it before you send off that e-mail or talk to your friends and family members too.
To me, the point isn’t to just feel good before a conversation.
It’s about connection.
And about doing what you can to create more of a sense of connection and humanness in the world — one conversation or e-mail at a time.
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